I hate writing about my past but it provides context to the world I now perceive and depth, to my own internal workings and mindset. So here goes. I am a 70's child born to a teenage mother, frowned upon by society, treated as an inconvenience by my immediate family and an embarrassment by my wider family. I didn't know my birth father and the man my mother chose to marry was a violent and abusive bully. I spent the first 11 years of my life being reminded that I was all the aforementioned whilst being punched, ragged around, force-fed until I threw up, ignored, abandoned, sworn at, called names and a whole host more. I was hated and punished for my own existence and it damaged me in ways that have led to the savage woman that I am today. The version you get of me is the version you give of yourself and if you cross me in ways that cause harm I will make you wish you had never been born. I do not and will not ever apologise for this - it's who I am now.
My childhood experiences became the script I carried as an adult and the magnet for everything I attracted into my life. Your script is your deepest beliefs about yourself and who you are. I hated myself and truly believed I was unloveable, broken, damaged, stupid, unattractive, a burden and undeserving of happiness, peace, stability, love and success. These beliefs had the greatest impact in my relationships. I attracted men who mirrored the abuse I endured as a child. My ex partners have all been avoidant, narcissistic, abusive, violent, emotionally unavailable, compulsive liars and cheats. I believed I deserved all of it and the more cruel they were the harder I tried to please them until eventually I snapped.
To mask my script I became an over achiever. I was the first student to achieve my degree in a year. I joined the police force and became one of the first female firearms officers. I left the police and started again in the field of sales, achieved 2 promotions and tripled my salary in less than 6 months ranking in the top 1% of employees of which there were 3,500. I died from a brain haemorrhage and went on to survive two lots of major brain surgery before setting up my own successful health and well-being business. I obtained my class 1 licence and started my career as an 11 car transporter before transitioning into motorsport where I am predominantly the only female truckie in the paddocks. To the outside world I look like I have my shit together but I've been living in survival mode my entire life because of the script I have adopted (beliefs).
Your script is your subconscious programme which develops early on and becomes reinforced by life experience. Your life experience is the mirror to your beliefs and your beliefs are the magnet to your life experience. You only see it when you awaken to it but awakening to it alone won't rewrite it because your beliefs are the foundation of the world you now exist in. It's glaringly obvious yet well concealed in your habitual ways of thinking, being and doing. You are not what your script dictates. Your script is simply the driving force to the patterns that repeat in your life and they either serve you or hinder you. For most, the latter applies. Everything you seek is on the other side of your fear. Fear is just a bi product of your limiting beliefs (script). If you change your script you change your life.
You create your own reality with your consciousness. What you think about you bring about, what you believe becomes your reality, where attention goes energy flows, whether you think you can or you can't, either way you're right! The only person who defines who you are and how you experience life is you. If you want history to repeat itself keep telling yourself and others the same stories (script). If you want to create change then start by changing your script. You can't rewrite history but you can reshape your own future. You can't change other peoples opinions but you can choose to see yourself differently. You can't change or fix anyone else but you can choose to become someone different for yourself. Everything begins and ends with you. Your script is just an obsolete programme that has been left to run unsupervised and unchanged for decades. Flip the narrative, choose empowering beliefs and your reality will change accordingly.
I no longer entertain abusive men and I am extremely picky when it comes to who I build a friendship with. I no longer see red flags as something to be fixed. The more I say no to this the more I am graced by real men who respect women and are able to embody their masculine energy without being egotistical pricks. I don't compare myself to anyone anymore because I now identify with my own beauty, uniqueness and strengths. I have no desire to be like another and I certainly don't entertain people pleasing anymore. I say no to the things I don't want with confidence and I say yes to the things I do want without letting fear sabotage my future. I have changed my own script and I no longer blame myself for the abuse I have endured at the hands of others. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't deserve any of the physical abuse and I am not responsible for the choices, actions and behaviours of others.
My time is precious, my life matters and I deserve everything that I seek so for me, every person who wants a place in my life now has to earn it. I no longer give second chances, I refuse to tolerate behaviour that damages my mental, emotional or physical health and I will never make myself small to appease anyone. We are taught that this is selfish but it's not. You attract who you are not what you want. When you let that sink in then use the world you have created as the mirror to your own script, you will witness the patterns and beliefs that are holding you back. You then have a choice to make - are you happy with your fill or do you want more?
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